My Reflection

There is a man in my life, as most of you know. And he has been there for four years. We started out the "wrong" way as friends with benefits and moved very slowly into a relationship. That relationship has been on and off. And is currently in the off position. A lot of times I am asked why I do it, why stay around in a situation like that. And it is for reasons like this.

I struggle with accepting myself. (please read previous post ;) ) and when I do I have a tendency to look for validation and acceptance from others. Most times in my life I find what I am looking for... A job, friend, or family member is very happy to oblige. (most times unknowingly) and I can go on in this state of blissful self unawareness. This dude does not oblige me. When I am low and looking to something outside of myself to pick me up, he is the first one to point it out to me. And while this is incredibly annoying, it is one of the reasons why I love him so. A man that can look at me, and pinpoint where I am in my mind even when I can't and then love me enough to do what I need instead of what I want? Well that to me is the definition of a keeper.

Case in point. This weekend we had a big conversation. It started out small, some small squabble and turned into "you don't feel like you." if there is one thing I don't want to hear it is that. But I thought about it, where I was, what I was feeling and he was right. So I spent s couple of days talking about how much he sucked and then got to the business of figuring out what I needed in my heart as mind to come back to a feeling of me-ness.

So tonight, as I am spending time with him I see this sparkle, a glimmer in his eye and I know in his mind I am back. I already knew that for myself but without words, without having to share it, I could see he could see it too. And he liked what he saw.

Finally, I told him I liked his eyes when he likes me. To which he asked what I saw. And I told him he looks interested, engaged. His response was to ask me how that made me feel, to which I responded beautiful and interesting.. And he didn't respond. But he didn't have to. I didn't need him to say I was beautiful, he didn't have to tell me I'm interesting... I already knew. It was then that I realized the sparkle in his eye was my reflection. I am getting back what I am putting into the world.