What do I want?

I have had the same thing said to me three different ways in the span of about 12 hours. And so I wanted to share. It started last night. "Focus on yourself." And then today... "Think about what you want." and then just now "Listing life's priorities."

I moved from New Jersey to Baltimore. I did so to move away from a family that I love dearly, but in which I cannot seem to find my independence. I have a very set place in the family, something I like to call a box. But I have never been able to tell them that I don't really fit into that box. I don't think they would have such a huge problem if I told them, I just am too cowardly to do it. Anyway, the holidays in Jersey are great. They make me want to fit right in that box and stay there forever. And why not? Who's to say that is wrong?

I guess I am the one who says that is wrong. Though I can't help but think that I'm mad at myself for it. Why can't it be enough? Why can't the life that is there satisfy me? Did I ever really give it a chance?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but I am working on it. I don't have the answer to the "What do I want" question either. But the fact that I am asking it feels like a good thing.

My Reflection

There is a man in my life, as most of you know. And he has been there for four years. We started out the "wrong" way as friends with benefits and moved very slowly into a relationship. That relationship has been on and off. And is currently in the off position. A lot of times I am asked why I do it, why stay around in a situation like that. And it is for reasons like this.

I struggle with accepting myself. (please read previous post ;) ) and when I do I have a tendency to look for validation and acceptance from others. Most times in my life I find what I am looking for... A job, friend, or family member is very happy to oblige. (most times unknowingly) and I can go on in this state of blissful self unawareness. This dude does not oblige me. When I am low and looking to something outside of myself to pick me up, he is the first one to point it out to me. And while this is incredibly annoying, it is one of the reasons why I love him so. A man that can look at me, and pinpoint where I am in my mind even when I can't and then love me enough to do what I need instead of what I want? Well that to me is the definition of a keeper.

Case in point. This weekend we had a big conversation. It started out small, some small squabble and turned into "you don't feel like you." if there is one thing I don't want to hear it is that. But I thought about it, where I was, what I was feeling and he was right. So I spent s couple of days talking about how much he sucked and then got to the business of figuring out what I needed in my heart as mind to come back to a feeling of me-ness.

So tonight, as I am spending time with him I see this sparkle, a glimmer in his eye and I know in his mind I am back. I already knew that for myself but without words, without having to share it, I could see he could see it too. And he liked what he saw.

Finally, I told him I liked his eyes when he likes me. To which he asked what I saw. And I told him he looks interested, engaged. His response was to ask me how that made me feel, to which I responded beautiful and interesting.. And he didn't respond. But he didn't have to. I didn't need him to say I was beautiful, he didn't have to tell me I'm interesting... I already knew. It was then that I realized the sparkle in his eye was my reflection. I am getting back what I am putting into the world.

"Take Care"

"Take care of yourself." It is probably my favorite salutation... if one can have favorite salutations! In my life, I don't find that coming to mind very often. See ya, Later, even Love you come up much more often. When I get a "take care" I feel as though that person has taken special time to think about how they choose to say goodbye. I feel as though they are wishing me well in the best of ways. It always causes me to take pause, because how many of us can say we truly take care of ourselves?

How would you define taking care of yourself? Some might say, I go to the gym, or I run every day, I eat only organic food. And while those things are incredibly commendable, is that taking care of you? How do you define yourself? A mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, maybe a painter, a writer, a singer... but only after all of those pontential definitions would you say a size 6. So, while taking care of yourself can mean body, I'm talking here about the soul.

Over the past few months, I have not been taking care. I've been caught up in whatever else I can be. Work. Family. My house. My primary relationship. And at the end of the day I fall into bed. Falling spent if the day was hard, accomplished if enough got checked off of my to-do list, or even happy if I had encounters with friends. But each day was like an X on the calendar. There were no times that I was stopping to take stock of myself. I realized this while talking to a friend about someone else. As he is telling the story of asking someone what their focus in life is, I am thinking, oh my gosh, what is my focus??

So I started going to church, and I joined a yoga class, and I started calling up and reconnecting with old friends. And while all of this was great, oddly enough, a few weeks in I was feeling just as depleted as before. So what now?

Tonight, as I was pouring my soul into my journal I was thinking about ways of doing something nice for myself every day. The concept was posed to me years ago, and I thought about buying lip gloss and taking bubble baths. (It's true, don't laugh. Ok, you can laugh a little...) But now I am older and sort of redefining what it means to take care of myself. It now seems to look more like allowing myself that good cry I have been holding in, or laughing at a mistake rather than ridiculing, or even just giving myself a smile in the mirror. All the same things I would do for a friend, but things that I haven't been doing for myself.

So today, I gave myself props for being able to start to embrace this evolving me a little more than before. And you know, I was extremely happy to receive my praise. Funny how that works.

So to those reading this, I say, take care.